AMKent books

Part 4

The wizard/mechanic leans down beside a bushel of stinging nettles, a thistle? I don’t know what to call it I am not good at plants. He takes his time prodding the outside, making sure not to sting himself, balancing his bodyweight with his other hand flat against the ground. Melanie looks vivid, larger, ominous, but I think it is just the sun bringing clarity to her fungi form.

Wizard: “Damn, this is worse than I thought.”

What? Ah shit, don’t tell me, it’s your dads crest and this is going to be some redemptive arc. Why can’t things be straightforward!

Wizard: “No, there is a fiver lodged in this bush, or stinging nettles, or thistles, whatever they are called. I can’t get to it.”

We will pay you the extra fiver just turn me back into a woman.

The wizard stands and places his hands against his lower back, leaning until a crunch is heard. He makes an uncomfortably feminine noise and slicks his balding hair back.

Wizard: “That isn’t a fiver, it is a crest, it’s a trick.”

Is this nonsense to make us get the fiver.

Me: “Nono, he is right, it doesn’t have that plastic undesirable look to it that real money has.”

The wizard kicks the nettles with his flipflop.

Wizard: “Alright, one of you get in there, I am wearing shorts I am as good as useless here.”

One of us, I am literally a mushroom.

Wizard: “Look, Melanie, just because you are a mushroom doesn’t mean you have to adopt such a bad attitude. Like, you are a ball buster, and I don’t wanna hear about you being a mushroom, we all feel like a mushroom sometimes, but we strap on our Sunday best and get on with it.”

Oh, Jesus no, there is an old woman standing behind us, how long has she been here? Did she see us talking to the mushroom? Is she going to call the police or something? I turn to her with Melanie, in her pretty eyelash goodness, the wizard also looks stunned, his arsehole has most definitely fell out.

Old woman: “You are speaking to a mushroom, oh look, you have given it a nice little face as well haha.”

Think fast guys.

Me: “Erm, we, well, we were going over a scene that we are going to make into a video. It is a story about a talking mushroom, a girl who turns into a talking mushroom.”

Wizard: “Yeah, yeah. I am gay.”

U wot.

Old woman: “A talking mushroom? A damsel in distress is a talking mushroom. Hah! Don’t quit your day job, rather a silly premise. Sounds like something a failed author would write after throwing in the towel.”

Me: “Yeah, haha. Well, you never know. Maybe people will like it, but erm. That is why we are talking to the mushroom anyway.”

Wizard: “This is my nephew, he is special, like he has autism and some other stuff. I never had kids, on account of the fact that I am homosexual and men can’t get pregnant through ass stuff.”

What the fuck is this backstory, STOP.

We all stand there in silence, suspiciously gazing at one another. I’ll be honest, it probably wouldn’t be this weird and tense if the wizard had not made some intricate backstory about his sexuality and my mental state up.

Old Woman: “So, it wouldn’t be anything to do with that crest?”

Oh shit.

Wizard: “I only like crest with my eggs, haha.”

The cat is out of the bag asshole, and that barely made sense anyway.

Old Woman: “Poor girl, you have been trapped as a mushroom, I could hear you half a mile away, not often someone communicates on this frequency. A curse! Just like that Asian cartoon my daughter used to watch.”

You can hear me? Can you help me?

Old Woman: “It is a rather simple thing to reverse, you just have to wield the crest, and the fat guy will transport you all to the ‘regnum perspicaciae magicae et occultismi obscuri quod mortales nesciunt quia eis mystica fundamenta deest’.”

We don’t have to remember any of that do we?

Wizard: “No.”

Old Woman: “No.”

Me: “Thank God.”

Thank God.

Wizard: “We can’t access it, its in those thorny nettle thistle sharp things, and I am wearing shorts.”

The old woman walks over to the bush and gently plucks it out and hands it to the wizard, giving a sweet elderly smile of a good natured old woman. He squeezes it and places his hand on my shoulder, he begins to whisper some Gobbledegook to himself and a bright, intense swirl of sparkling dust takes us to the realm where Melanie’s salvation lies.