AMKent books

Part 3

You ever look at someone’s back, their frame, just standing in the same space we all encompass. That is how I first saw Melanie, her narrow clavicles and bunched up shoulders with a rouge shirt on. The sky wasn’t anything special, if anything it was a muggy day, not raining but not exactly what you’d write home about. I am not sure what she was looking at, or for, she doesn’t remember either, but I remember it. I think it’s a moment that will flash before my eyes when I die, I am almost certain it will. Everything went very tunnelled, there was no room for anything around her, just those raised shoulders and the subtle whisper of traffic. When I find a feather on the floor, I often think that it is my guardian angel leaving me a pointer, a little clue to something that awaits in the future. In that case, Melanie was a human-sized feather, and I don’t think this analogy makes any sense. It does to me though, I wish I spoke to her that day, it was a further 5 weeks before we officially met. She threw away that shirt, she said it was cursed, that a seagull shat on her or she trod in something every time she wore it. I wonder if I was a curse, I mean, meeting me essentially turned her into a mushroom.

Wizard: “Look, you and your……. Lover, seem nice, but can we speed this up, I wanna bat one out before I get too tired.”

Me: “Yes, of course, let us go to the river!”

Wizard: “This happened by a river? Like, a public one?”

Semi-public, it is a bit off the beaten path but not magical curse territory, or at least you’d think.

We all begin our yomp, me, Mealnie the mushroom, mechanic wizard guy, and a real sense of a journey we are about to embark upon.

Wizard: “Shit, I was gonna hold this in, but I have to ask. Do you have sex with the mushroom?”

Me: “No, well, not really, sort of, not penetrative.”

I’d protest but this guy telling his mechanic buddies that you have sex with a mushroom is worth the potential humiliation.

Wizard: “How? Do you have a different plant pot with a hole in the bottom?”

Me: “No, no. Nothing like that, we just dirty talk and masturbate.”

I can’t wait to not be a mushroom.

Wizard: “Wait, Melanie, how do you flick the bean when there isn’t one? Like, what are you rubbing?”

It works ok, I am not answering any of this, stop asking.

Me: “The mushroom is just the shell, inside she is still a human, it’s just like she’s locked in a mushroom like a little fairy locked in a jar or something.”

Ok, for the love of all that’s holy do not tell him anymore details.

Wizard: “Do you ever bust it on the mushroom?”

Me: “No, she won’t let me.”

Stop, seriously STOP. NO MORE, FIND SOMETHING ELSE.

Wizard: “Well, hats off to you guys, that is real love, to keep that going, real love right there. I had a guy working with me, some apprentice, guy is a fucking mongrel. Anyway, he is always talking about how beautiful his woman is, how he wants to earn a proper mechanic wage so she will stay with him. Six months this shit goes on for, yammering away about this fucking girl of his. Then, one day, she comes in to meet him after work, and I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes.”

What?

Me: “What was it?”

Wizard: “She was fat as hell.”

Did you just compare me being a literal mushroom to a guy’s girlfriend being overweight. Do you have any idea how shallow that is, why are you such a stereotype.

Wizard: “Nah, like I am talking monstrous, she had leggings on, and it would make a king size duvet, he was skinny as a fucking beanpole also. They both stood next to each other, and it looked like the number 10.”

NEW SUBJECT, JESUS CHRIST.

Me: “You know, some guys are into thick girls, it doesn’t all have to be one size.”

Wizard: “Nah man, if you saw her, you’d realise she had crossed the line, she was in the no-mans land. I think she must have cast some kind of spell on him also.”

You are revolting.

I can feel Melanies mushroom glare, it burns, like a hot cast iron prod in the side of my neck.

Me: “So, er, you are a wizard, that is pretty crazy right?”

Wizard: “Yeah, we call it practisers of the occult, calling me a wizard is kind of retarded, but you guys seem nice, so I don’t mind. My dad was in this guild, he was established, but my mom divorced him, and he did something illegal and was cast out.”

What did he do? An illegal spell? The dark arts?

Me: “I didn’t know there was a code of honour, so, it is like good and bad magic.”

Wizard: “What? No, he fuckin’ leaked her nudes online and got sent down for revenge porn.”

IS THERE ANY SUBJECT THAT IS OK TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.

Me: “Ok, it is just down here, we can see the river.”

I can tell Melanie feels the rush of excitement that I do, the end to its blasted nightmare. We are about to cross over to not only a new world but an unforgettable appreciation to be human. I wonder if she will miss it, being what she is.