AMKent books

Part 2

There is a rap on the door, the table is clean now, Melanie looks presentable, and I waltz over with an aura of mystique myself. He is pudgy and looks like a mechanic wearing a long Aztec decorated coat, he has a scruffy beard like all wizards should and is already tired to be here. I move Melainie slightly to the left as he sits down at the table, crossing his arms but not in a defensive way, in a trying to hide his gut kinda way.

Wizard: “So, you said on the phone you have a mushroom problem.”

Me: “Well, not a problem, but it does involve a mushroom.”

I am not a problem.

The wizard pulls out a moist, crumpled cigarette box and places a crooked straight in his mouth, he doesn’t even ask if he can smoke in here, he is an asshole.

Wizard: “Look, I have a day job, this is a side hustle, so, what just tell me the crux, and I will work my magic.”

Me: “Are you a mechanic?”

Wizard: “Yes, why? Have we met or something?”

I glance at Melanie; she doesn’t glance back because she is a mushroom. She does, however, have a nicely drawn face on, I gave her long eyelashes to make her feel pretty.

Me: “This mushroom, it is my girlfriend Melanie, I need her to be a woman.”

Wizard: “I am not fucking Geppetto.”

This guy is a waste of time, pay him like £5 and tell him to leave.

I walk over to the front door and place my hand on the handle, pushing it down slowly, yet purposefully, dramatically.

Wizard: “Alright, wait, wait, WAIT!”

Me: “Look, you clearly don’t believe me or Melanie, this is a waste of time.”

Wizard: “I can hear her, I know she is locked in the mushroom, I can hear her.”

Bullshit, ask him to tell us what number I shout out.

Wizard: “No, I heard you say that there is no need for the number thing.”

Me: “Ok Melanie, shout out a number.”

You are a sloppy prick.

Me: “So?”

Wizard: “She didn’t say a number, she called me a sloppy prick.”

I tilt Melanie to my own gaze, and I look deeply into her felt tip eyes, we both forge a silent agreement that this wizard may be legitimate.

Ok, speak to us.

Wizard: “Look, this is just like the cartoon, you know the Japanese one? Clearly a powerful being has, rightly or wrongly, cast some kind of fungus spell.”

What the fuck does he mean rightly or wrongly?

I sit down, placing my scrunched-up fist underneath my chin in the classical thinker pose. There is an air of silence, Melanie seems to be internally angry about the wizard’s comment. I, however, feel a wave of hope.

Me: “How do we rectify this?”

Wizard: “You need to return to where it all began, there must be a secret crest there or some ancient trapdoor. Once you find that, you can enter the domain of whoever cast the spell, the one like the anime. Ok then, that will be £150 like we agreed on the phone.”

You didn’t do shit, I could have said that. You are taking us to this domain and doing what we agreed you would do, which is undo this.

Wizard: “Look, today is my only day off, I booked this, and my tattoo appointment fell through. I don’t want to spend it with a guy and a talking plant pot.”

Me: “I will up it to £300 if you turn her back into a woman.”

I can sense from my bold move that Melanie is touched by how much she means to me, I sit there laying my heart bare.

Are you actually haggling right now?

Wizard: “Up it by fifty and we have a deal; this should be fairly simple anyway. I could use the extra funds for an idea I have about a wolf with blue eyes on my chest.”

How is this guy even a wizard.

Wizard: “Look, it’s in my blood, my dad wanted me to take this seriously, but my love of mechanics won out.”

Sorry, I keep forgetting you can hear me.

With this, a deal is struck, and a journey begins. It is rather ridiculous; I could have just tried to find a new woman or maybe kept the two of them. I mean, she can’t really do anything about it. It is not a moral obligation that keeps me tethered to her though, I genuinely love her, before she existed in my little bubble, I was a man seeking an end. Now, I feel I would do anything to live, to keep living as long as she was involved in it. It is hard to grasp how one variable in this datasheet of life can stop the entire thing from corrupting itself. I used to think all this love and romance stuff was nonsense, but there is nothing I wouldn’t do for this mushroom. I hope to God that this mechanic wizard is right, and there is a way we can change her back, not for me, but for her.