AMKent books

Part 9

Wizard: “Well, this is Anvil, kinda depressing really.”

Why did they model a magical place of magic after communist soviet Russia…

Me: “How are we going to find Petra? I mean, where do we even begin looking?”

Random Person: “Oh, hey, yeah, Petra is in that third block, number 23.”

We all share a glance; I turn Melanie to face the Wizard so she can also share the glance. It isn’t long before we are standing outside of her door, and the wizard insists on knocking for some reason. I am slightly confused. There could have been a whole thing about trying to pin her down in this communist town, oh well, I don’t care, the easier the better. She opens the door and looks confusedly at us all, the gang. I lift Melanie to jog her memory, but still nothing.

Wizard: “You remember me? I used to train Robert.”

A few more moments of silence pass as she scans all our faces, including Melanie’s felt-tip one.

Petra: “My ex? Oh, snap! Now I remember! What do you want?”

You turned me into a mushroom a year ago. Could you please change me back?

Petra: “Did I? Ohhhhh, the girl with her feminine boyfriend, ohhhh, he is with you also!”

Me: “Is that a yes?”

Petra: “No, sorry. I turned you into a mushroom because you said Pedro Pascal is a creepy Hollywood shill, Pascal is bae, sorry not sorry.”

WHAT, YOU DID THIS BECAUSE OF PEDRO PASCAL?

Wizard: “Sorakingdomheartstwo!”

The wizard casts a spell, but Petra deflects it fairly easily, and now the wizard has really bad knees. Yes, that was his spell, to have bad knees.  

CHANGE ME BACK! YOU MADE ME MISS MY DAD’S FUNERAL!

Petra: “The only daddy I know is Pedro Pascal, oopsie.”

Me: “You don’t have many friends, do you?”

Wizard: “HIROSHIMANAGASAKIENOLAGAY!”

Again, Petra deflects it, and now he has really bad acid reflux.

Petra: “Hahaha, a lame wizard and a beta male with his fungus, oh, how pathetic. How about you, lady muffin, know any spells?”

Me: “Erm, yeah, I know this one.”

I place Melanie on the floor beside my feet, and Petra folds her arms with a smug smile on her face. Her lipstick is grossing me out, anyway, so I just punch her as hard as I can in the face. She hits the floor, unconscious, and I think her nose is broken. My hand hurts.

WHAT THE FUCK!

Wizard: “Damn duuurghh, acid, sorry.”

Me: “What do we do now?”

I guess, wait until she wakes up?

The wizard steps over her limp, now snoring, body and walks into her house, kicking his legs about to remove the stiffness from his knees. I pick up Melanie and follow him in.

Wizard: “We gotta go, Epstein on this shit.”

The ghosts in the ice barrier were right.

Wizard: “No, not like that. We gotta find something to blackmail her with.”

Me: “This has all taken a rather dark turn…”

Err, honey, you are the one who rendered her unconscious.

There is a copy of ‘DAS KAPITAL’ by Marx, and we all collectively sigh before moving on.

Wizard: “She’s loaded, no wonder she could cast costly ass spells like that on a whim.”

Guys, look at the table, we just hit the motherload.

We all gather around the table, staring down before all acknowledging that we have, indeed, hit the motherload.